My New Perspective

So, it was my birthday a couple of days ago. 45. And, the strangest thing has been happening during this last year. I'm not quite sure what to do with it, so I've decided to write. I've come out of the adoption closet, so to speak. I've always been a huge advocate of adoption, being that I'm adopted AND I've placed a child for adoption (and I was a surrogate for my best friend, but that's a different blog post). 

My entire life I've been told that I should be grateful; that I was adopted by such a wonderful family (it's true, they are), that I found such wonderful parents to raise my daughter (it's true, they are), that I didn't have to struggle being a single mom, that I get to know my daughter...etc. The truth is, I had no choice. No one asked me if I wanted to be taken from my birthmom, that story was written without my permission and no one prepared me for the trauma caused by giving my daughter away. The social workers just told me that it was a selfless decision, that it will be hard but I will move on and have my whole life in front of me. As if, with enough time, I'll forget it ever happened. How it really works is like this: no amount of therapy, marriage or more children, or medication, or exercise, or wine...or..anything will ever make it better. They never told me there would be moments, even at 45, where you can't breathe because you miss her so much. And, because of this, I can no longer support adoption as the best option for an unplanned pregnancy. Adoption is not God's plan. A mother with her child, is.

Syracuse, New York 1970. This was before Roe v. Wade passed in 1973, so adopting a child was a pretty painless process. The pregnant girls were often shipped off to unwed homes where they were hidden from society and unsuspecting family members. Only to return several months later to resume life as normal, as if nothing ever happened. http://thegirlswhowentaway.com/

I grieve for them, for my mother. And, I don't find it that dissimilar to my experience 20 years later. Sure, I didn't have to go hide, and I even felt like most people were supportive and treated me with respect for making a "brave decision", but I was told the same thing. That someday I would be fine. Sweep it under the carpet.

For years I've been volunteering at adoption agencies. Mostly because I wanted to hug the birthmoms; to encourage them. Two weeks ago, I quit my volunteer gig at a local agency. I'll never go back to another one. This is what has struck me the hardest: they never wanted me alone with the girls. They never wanted me to "discourage" adoption, even if I felt the girls should keep THEIR child. The bottom line is this- adoption agencies want those babies. It's how they pay their bills. They wanted me to be an example of "look how great your life will be someday!" but, ultimately, they wanted me to keep my mouth shut.

I struggle with this post; the tone I want it to have. I DO have a happy life. I DO have so much to be thankful for, and I am. While it sounds like I'm bitter, I don't walk around with cynicism. I'm both/and. I love my family and the life I have, AND I grieve the loss I've had because of adoption.