I'm sorry, in advance.

Since my late 20's I've been volunteering at adoption agencies. I did this with the deep need to connect with the birthmothers, the ones that had already placed their children. As the years went on, my interests began to change. I became more interested in the girls that were still on the fence, the ones that were undecided. The social workers felt, as an advocate for adoption, that I was the perfect person for them to talk with when they asked questions about what life would look like later.  Because, you see, every one of them need to know the truth. But, the truth is, they are never given that information upfront. They never wanted me alone with the girls. They would de-brief me before each meeting. I felt it. I knew what they were implying and that they had their own hidden agenda. The last agency I went to didn't provide counseling for the girls, either during their pregnancy, or most importantly, after placement. Astounded, I asked them "WHY?!!!", their response was that, "none of them ever showed up".  What my mind screamed was, 'That's because they're curled up in the fetal position somewhere, unable to get up off the ground!' 

I've been surrounded by adoption. I have many close family members and friends that have adopted, both domestic and international. Adoption is celebrated. I was told that adoption is the "best option" for an unplanned pregnancy. That's not true. The "best option" are that a mother and child are together. If the mother can't do it on her own, then family needs to step up and do everything possible to make sure the mistake doesn't become an inhumane punishment. I don't actually understand how anyone can have an opinion on this if they have never been adopted or placed a child for adoption. 

I've had a lot of push back when I voice these truths. But, the fact is, I don't care. Unless you've been on the other side, you have no idea what you're talking about. For the adoptive families, the adoption agencies, the adoption lawyers, the social workers... they ALL have one common agenda: To Get That Baby. Now, I do believe there are prospective adoptive parents out there with beautiful intentions. They want children, they've struggled with infertility, they want ethnic diversity (international adoptions), etc. Some are even willing to take a child with special needs (not many, mind you. I went through every profile at the last agency. Most want a perfectly healthy, white infant). Baby shopping. I also believe that there are certain circumstances where adoption might be in the best interest of the child. But, there aren't many. Orphans, for example. Even still, are there no other family members? And, let's not forget to prove they're orphans to begin with.. But, these prospective adoptive families just don't know, and, they really, really want a baby. They'd rather have their own, but if they can't, they'll gladly raise someone else's.

When a child is taken from its mother, the problem isn't fixed. In that single moment, when the irrevocable surrender is signed, the problem has just become so much larger than life. You've set into motion something that can never be undone, and I will never again say it's okay.

I'll leave you with this quote:

"Adoption loss is the only trauma in the world
where the victims are expected by the whole of society
to be grateful."

The Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE