I Want The Truth

I have no recollection of my birth. But, I imagine it being similar to the day I delivered my daughter. I see nothing but darkness. I remember it being so dark that I could hardly make out her tiny face. The doctor and nurses were all fumbling around in a dark room, mumbling words I couldn't understand. It wasn't, of course, but that's how I remember it. I could only hear her cry. 

I often wonder my first mothers circumstances. Was she sent away, hidden from her family and community? Did she see me after delivery? Was she alone? What is her name? Did she willingly choose adoption or was she coerced? After all, This was New York in 1970. Adoption was shrouded in secrecy.

I was placed in the foster care system for almost 9 weeks, even that makes me wonder if she was undecided during that time. According to my adoptive parents, my foster mother was a single, elderly woman that had difficulty hearing. When my parents met me for the first time they said I, literally, had holes in my bottom because my diapers were never changed. They said they would put me in my crib to sleep and they wouldn't know when I woke up because I never cried. My mom thought I was more content in my crib than anywhere else because that's where I was left for the first 9 weeks of my life. They said I was really hungry. I was 8 lbs at 9 weeks. When I say these things out loud, I don't feel like I'm talking about myself. I'm just telling a story about a baby that was neglected.  (Read: Primal Wound)

Those images and stories are the thoughts that swirl around in corners of my mind, clouding a day that others celebrate. Birthday. Day of birth. Secrets. Darkness. Separation. Loss. I really do try, but it's not all it's cracked up to be. And, there's only one thing that will answer so many questions. My birth certificate. The real one. The truth.

Today, in New York, there is a real fight happening by the thousands of adoptees that have been silenced for decades. We want access to our original birth certificate. www.nyadoptionequality.com   Each one of them have stories similar to mine. Or worse. Or better. But, we're all connected by the scarlet thread of adoption. There were no legal documents that promised anonymity to our biological families. We want our medical information, genealogy, family history and roots, just like everyone else. Our birth parents forfeited their right to everything when they signed that surrender document. Protection from what? Pull it together, we're coming for you.