A few days ago, I was having a heated conversation with my 18 year old daughter about this blog and the issues that surround it. I suggested she 'follow' it and her response was, "But, I don't agree with you." I appreciate her opinions and I respect her. I know she has her own reasons. For example, her boyfriend is a Korean born adoptee, her mother is an adoptee, her older half sister was placed for adoption, and her cousin was adopted from Russia. She has been a quiet observer, yet entwined and directly effected by the world of adoption.
Sometimes, I forget to step outside of my own head. I assume that because my perspective has been altered then those around me should be also. This paradigm shift didn't happen overnight. I recognize that there are adoptees and birthmothers with opposing views and I believe their feelings are valid. I may not agree but I'm certainly not in the business of persuasion (yes, I am.) I'm not trying to sound insensitive, but the views of adoptive parents don't carry that much weight with me. Their vision is tunneled by the gift of someone else's child and that's the extent of their adoption experience. But, I'm willing to listen.
My hope is that this opens up dialogue among people on all sides of the adoption triad (yes, even adoptive parents) and that we will see the complicated layers through one another's eyes.
Dear parents,
If your daughter comes to you, terrified, and tells you she's pregnant, please take a moment to just...breathe. It's a baby, not the end of the world. It may feel like it, but it's not. I beg you to consider your choices. The truth is, if you tell her that adoption is the "best choice", she will believe you. She trusts you and though she may not act like it, deep down she wants your approval. However, if this is the option you give her, you're causing more harm. It's not about the infertile couples or the people that just want to grown their families, it's about the heart and soul of your daughter and her child. It's deciding the fate of a baby that doesn't have the voice to say, 'No thank you, I'd rather stay with my mother.' I know you "don't want to raise this baby", that you've "already raised your children", and that you feel you shouldn't have to "pay for her mistakes". I've heard it all before. How about this option? If she has already decided not to terminate the pregnancy, fantastic. That's a decision most girls in her position don't make. Now, how about discussing with her -first- every single possible scenario in the entire universe so that she can parent her child. Dig deep and figure out how you can help her. Exhaust every option, resource and support. Call in the troops (it takes a village). This isn't just her baby, it's yours too. I can assure you that you won't regret it. Adoption may seem like a quick fix but the long term damage is almost certain.
Sincerely, A birthmother
