In the adoption community there are so many differing opinions to take into consideration and I'm not sure whose is most valuable, so I take them all and sort through each one. My personal opinions have shifted from one side of the spectrum to the other in the last 6 months. There are very strong women and men in both camps- we have pro adoption and anti adoption. We have adoptees and birth families that want records unsealed and adoption lawyers that want to keep them closed, family members we are afraid of hurting, and people that would've lived on this earth a little longer had they been given their medical history. We have adopted teens attempting suicide, and teen moms celebrating adoption. There are birthmothers that are pissed...so pissed because their children were ripped away from them without their consent, adoptive parents willing to give birthmothers a video tape of their child. There is open adoption, private adoption, children in foster care, international adoption, orphans, child trafficking... the layers are endless and because of it, people are left bleeding all over the world.
The adoptions I knew about were neat and tidy, they were packaged up in a pretty bow on a baby, making parents dreams come true-giving the impression that being adopted was a favor to the birthmother and that everyone's life was much better for her selfless decision. That's the myth but the truth isn't so comfortable. There's a dark side and sometimes it isn't revealed until your precious little baby gift becomes a really messed up teen. If any of those parents were willing to scratch the surface of their happy adoption story, they would find that lives were turned upside down and the process, from the other side, wasn't pretty and very likely, a corrupt acquistion. The modern day adoption industry is a multi billion dollar business and as I've said before, with numbers like that the folks on the adoption side will do just about anything to get that baby.
I had NO IDEA the magnitude of this, the scope of angry, lost adoptees and birthmothers that are screaming about the wrong-ness of it all, and they have every right to be angry. I think I fall somewhere in the middle. I don't fault my parents. I love my parents and I believe they did the best they could with the information they were given. They just didn't know any better when they adopted me in 1970, so naturally when I turned up pregnant, that was the simple solution I was given as well. I willingly chose adoption for my child. I wasn't given options, but I was confident with my decision. And I regret it. Often I hear these young, fresh birth (natural, first mothers- there's proper verbage to use in this community, you know) mothers that are so thrilled with their open adoption experience. They are loud and vocal, just like I was at that stage, and they want the world to know they had a baby and selflessly gave it up (surrendered, relinquished- proper verbage) for adoption. When I hear this, I just shake my head because they have NO IDEA how this loss will manifest itself in the future. Just wait.
Ironically, the deeper I dig into this black hole, the more clarity I have. I see it .. the wrong-ness that everyone is screaming about and I just wish I had known all of this sooner.
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mother. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
P.S.
A few days ago, I was having a heated conversation with my 18 year old daughter about this blog and the issues that surround it. I suggested she 'follow' it and her response was, "But, I don't agree with you." I appreciate her opinions and I respect her. I know she has her own reasons. For example, her boyfriend is a Korean born adoptee, her mother is an adoptee, her older half sister was placed for adoption, and her cousin was adopted from Russia. She has been a quiet observer, yet entwined and directly effected by the world of adoption.
Sometimes, I forget to step outside of my own head. I assume that because my perspective has been altered then those around me should be also. This paradigm shift didn't happen overnight. I recognize that there are adoptees and birthmothers with opposing views and I believe their feelings are valid. I may not agree but I'm certainly not in the business of persuasion (yes, I am.) I'm not trying to sound insensitive, but the views of adoptive parents don't carry that much weight with me. Their vision is tunneled by the gift of someone else's child and that's the extent of their adoption experience. But, I'm willing to listen.
My hope is that this opens up dialogue among people on all sides of the adoption triad (yes, even adoptive parents) and that we will see the complicated layers through one another's eyes.
Sometimes, I forget to step outside of my own head. I assume that because my perspective has been altered then those around me should be also. This paradigm shift didn't happen overnight. I recognize that there are adoptees and birthmothers with opposing views and I believe their feelings are valid. I may not agree but I'm certainly not in the business of persuasion (yes, I am.) I'm not trying to sound insensitive, but the views of adoptive parents don't carry that much weight with me. Their vision is tunneled by the gift of someone else's child and that's the extent of their adoption experience. But, I'm willing to listen.
My hope is that this opens up dialogue among people on all sides of the adoption triad (yes, even adoptive parents) and that we will see the complicated layers through one another's eyes.
Monday, April 6, 2015
A Letter to Parents (of daughters)
Dear parents,
If your daughter comes to you, terrified, and tells you she's pregnant, please take a moment to just...breathe. It's a baby, not the end of the world. It may feel like it, but it's not. I beg you to consider your choices. The truth is, if you tell her that adoption is the "best choice", she will believe you. She trusts you and though she may not act like it, deep down she wants your approval. However, if this is the option you give her, you're causing more harm. It's not about the infertile couples or the people that just want to grown their families, it's about the heart and soul of your daughter and her child. It's deciding the fate of a baby that doesn't have the voice to say, 'No thank you, I'd rather stay with my mother.' I know you "don't want to raise this baby", that you've "already raised your children", and that you feel you shouldn't have to "pay for her mistakes". I've heard it all before. How about this option? If she has already decided not to terminate the pregnancy, fantastic. That's a decision most girls in her position don't make. Now, how about discussing with her -first- every single possible scenario in the entire universe so that she can parent her child. Dig deep and figure out how you can help her. Exhaust every option, resource and support. Call in the troops (it takes a village). This isn't just her baby, it's yours too. I can assure you that you won't regret it. Adoption may seem like a quick fix but the long term damage is almost certain.
Sincerely, A birthmother
If your daughter comes to you, terrified, and tells you she's pregnant, please take a moment to just...breathe. It's a baby, not the end of the world. It may feel like it, but it's not. I beg you to consider your choices. The truth is, if you tell her that adoption is the "best choice", she will believe you. She trusts you and though she may not act like it, deep down she wants your approval. However, if this is the option you give her, you're causing more harm. It's not about the infertile couples or the people that just want to grown their families, it's about the heart and soul of your daughter and her child. It's deciding the fate of a baby that doesn't have the voice to say, 'No thank you, I'd rather stay with my mother.' I know you "don't want to raise this baby", that you've "already raised your children", and that you feel you shouldn't have to "pay for her mistakes". I've heard it all before. How about this option? If she has already decided not to terminate the pregnancy, fantastic. That's a decision most girls in her position don't make. Now, how about discussing with her -first- every single possible scenario in the entire universe so that she can parent her child. Dig deep and figure out how you can help her. Exhaust every option, resource and support. Call in the troops (it takes a village). This isn't just her baby, it's yours too. I can assure you that you won't regret it. Adoption may seem like a quick fix but the long term damage is almost certain.
Sincerely, A birthmother
Monday, March 30, 2015
Surrender
In 1990, open adoption was a relatively new concept. It was just becoming another option in the adoption process, considered quite progressive at the time. When I placed my daughter, I had agreed on letters and pictures for the first two years. After nine months had passed, the adoptive parents contacted the agency expressing an interest in seeing me. I was hesitant, only because I knew it would be difficult, but I also knew I really wanted to see my baby girl. My heart won the battle and we met the following week. Seeing her destroyed me and rescued me at the same time. Her nine month old eyes already knew me when I held her in my arms. She was mine and we both knew it. Her parents and I became the poster family for Open Adoption. We spoke around the country at adoption panels and agencies to promote the concept. It became cathartic for me. I'm a terrible public speaker. The only thing I remember about those engagements was trying not to cry.
Fast forward 25 years later, after the Disney vacations together, after she was the flower girl in my wedding (and my best friends wedding), after she was there to meet her newborn half sister and brother, after I sat through her graduation, after she told me I was going to be a grandmother... we've never missed those moments in each others lives. It hasn't always been easy. There has been jealousy, natural jealousy, on both sides. Me, watching another family raise my child. Her, watching me be a mother to her siblings. Heartbreaking. But, she loves her family. She's well adjusted (more than most adoptees I know). She's happy.
She's having a baby in May. A girl. She and her husband are going to be wonderful parents. However, it's another break in the natural flow. This pregnancy has resurfaced the loss for me. I won't be 'grandma' in the traditional sense, and it makes me unbelievably sad. I didn't see this coming. I wasn't even thrilled when she told me she was pregnant. I was all offended, like, 'How can she be doing this to me?!'. I got over it, obviously. Now, I swear I love that baby like it's my own, you'd think I was the one pregnant.
This is adoption. These are the visible cracks; the wounds that spill out all over the place, when all you're trying to do is make it as normal as possible. But, you can't. It's irretrievably broken.
Fast forward 25 years later, after the Disney vacations together, after she was the flower girl in my wedding (and my best friends wedding), after she was there to meet her newborn half sister and brother, after I sat through her graduation, after she told me I was going to be a grandmother... we've never missed those moments in each others lives. It hasn't always been easy. There has been jealousy, natural jealousy, on both sides. Me, watching another family raise my child. Her, watching me be a mother to her siblings. Heartbreaking. But, she loves her family. She's well adjusted (more than most adoptees I know). She's happy.
She's having a baby in May. A girl. She and her husband are going to be wonderful parents. However, it's another break in the natural flow. This pregnancy has resurfaced the loss for me. I won't be 'grandma' in the traditional sense, and it makes me unbelievably sad. I didn't see this coming. I wasn't even thrilled when she told me she was pregnant. I was all offended, like, 'How can she be doing this to me?!'. I got over it, obviously. Now, I swear I love that baby like it's my own, you'd think I was the one pregnant.
This is adoption. These are the visible cracks; the wounds that spill out all over the place, when all you're trying to do is make it as normal as possible. But, you can't. It's irretrievably broken.
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